(i) How not to write the opening sentence


Why does the first sentence matter so much?

Here are six really awful ways to begin an essay.
The question is fun, and invites all sorts of pleasant showing-off.
But we have some fearsomely dreary ways of beginning.


.....WHY DID BAKED BEANS BECOME SO POPULAR IN TWENTIETH CENTURY BRITAIN?

“The question of why baked beans have become so popular in twentieth century Britain is an interesting…”

“The Oxford English Dictionary defines ‘baked beans’ as…”

“In this essay I will explore the question of why baked beans have become so popular in twentieth…”

“The Penguin English Dictionary defines ‘popular’ as…”

“The twentieth century went on for quite a while and…”

“The Collins English Dictionary defines ‘twentieth century’ as…”


Why exactly are these each so awful as opening sentences? Because they do no work. They are a waste of ink and paper. They exhaust the reader's patience.

NEVER start by saying
.....In this essay ....
.....I am going to discuss ....
or otherwise tell the reader of an essay that he is a reader, and is reading an essay;
NEVER repeat the question (a parrot can be trained to repeat questions; and parrots never pass exams).







(ii) How not to write an essay


Below is an example of a terrible, terrible, terrible essay.

Almost everything that can go wrong in essay-writing has gone wrong here.



.....ARE EARTHQUAKES WORSE THAN WARS?

Many millions of people have died in wars in the last hundred/two hundred years but thousands or maybe millions die in earthquakes all the time so it’s kind of a hard question.
.....I mean it’s way bad to die in any fashion, so the important thing is whether you are more likely to get killed in an earthquake or in a war.
.....Sometimes you’re more likely to get killed in an earthquake than in a war, but then in other ages/times you’re more likely to get killed in a war than in an earthquake.
.....Nowadays you’re more likely to get killed in an earthquake than in a war, but that’s only in Europe and America and places like that. In Africa you’re more likely to get killed in a war, and I guess they don’t get earthquakes down there much.
.....Another thing to think about is how immoral wars are. I don’t think you can say that earthquakes are immoral, except if they’re deliberately caused, but I guess they’re not yet because we don’t know how, but if we do know how to and then do it, then that would be totally immoral and maybe worse than wars.
.....But anyway, accidental earthquakes even if they kill lots of people are sort of killing them naturally so that is sad but not bad in an immoral way.
.....But another point that could be made is that in wars it is soldiers who get killed and they have training and bullet-proof vests and things so it is more fair and in earthquakes no one has any training so that is not as fair.
.....However we can get training about surviving earthquakes and it’s very very important that we attend to this training if we get it.
.....Also it’s important to remember that there are earthquakes in parts of Africa sometimes, such as Algeria and/or Morocco. That is not a point addressed in the question which I think is kind of racist and the people that set it must be full of hatred or something.
.....I feel really angry about racism, but also about earthquakes and wars, although with earthquakes I ask myself Who is there to be angry with? which is a truly deep question. But my feelings about it are strong anyway.
.....My conclusion is that it would be better not to have either earthquakes or wars happen to me, or even maybe not to anyone, but I don’t have much control over them because earthquakes are natural and wars aren’t natural but decided by other people, whereas I am just writing this essay and I only have control over that.



List some of what is wrong here: the frearful mistakes in tone, structure, logic, courtesy and expression.

Then write a short essay on the same topic that avoids these horrible errors.



(iii) Here is a guide from my university days which you may find interesting.



(iv) Every redundant word drags down the effectiveness of an essay.
.......The single most important stage in fashioningg an excellent essay is going through the text and cutting away every word and phrase that is not pulling its weight.
.......For instance, here is an excellent opening paragraph.
But here is what was submitted.
The trick is simply to go through and cross out.









(v) An essay on Tennessee Williams' play
A Streetcar named Desire (1947):

A Streetcar named Desire is a cynical play. There is no real hope and no goodness in Stella, Blanche or Stanley.

Develop a thesis for such an essay.



You may like to consider the following ideas:

• The sisters have no hope because of their complete dependence, especially on men
• They are hopeless simply because they have no money
• They are hopeless because they can't find love
• Blanche thinks only of fantasy millionaires
• Stella adapts to anything. She hopes Stanley will change. She will never leave him. She needs her man no matter how crude he is.
• At the end of the play all characters are both hopeless and hopeful: Blanche is still looking for a man. Stella keeps believing Stanley will come right. Stanley will stay with Stella.
• Blanche is hopeless thoughout the play. She can't and won't marry. And her sexual behaviour dooms her
• But does her living in a fantasy protect her?
• Will Blnche be happy in her madhouse?
• Stella, Stanley and Blanche realise the truth, and therefore give up hope, as the play goes on.
• Hopelessness brings hope. They're hoping, and that just leaves them more
hopeless, inert, doomed.





(vi) Working through all the stages: a decent essay


Here is anessay topic,
and here are
responses to the question,
thoughts about a possible answer,
a thesis,
an essay plan, and
opening sentences.